Poisoned Rationality
by MRS Jeevas

Before and even during the Glastonbury Festival, I was scribbling down ideas on bits of paper. If I wrote Saigocage's idea, what would it look like? I didn't tell anyone that I was writing this. Then I returned from the festival to discover that Spoiled-kitten had drawn 'Regrets' based on a chapter from 'All The Way Here'. She also helped me with phrases in Spanish that I could add into my story. Because of this, on July 10th, I posted the chapters that I had written into my Live Journal. Only three people had befriended me (Awhaaaa, Spoiled-kitten and Miyamashi), so they read up to chapter nineteen on that date. Thereon, I was posting chapters, viewable as friends only, on a daily basis to my live journal. Awhaaaa and Spoiled-kitten gave me con-crit as they were posted.

It didn't become open to the public until October 2008. The reason was that the ending of Death Note never fully explains why Mello and Matt abducted Takada. They do it and it helps Near enormously, but why did they do it? I had a vague inkling that it was because it helped Near out and that was that. It's hinted at in 'All The Way Here', when Mello explains how removing Takada means that a source of information is taken out of the picture. They knew that Near was making a move, so they were clearing the decks for him. However, Miyamashi had worked out something deeper than that. In private conversation, she explained it to me and, as I didn't expect anyone to read my story, I wrote it into 'Poisoned Rationality'. The cunning plan was to not publish my story until Miyamashi had finished 'Twisted Religion'. Then she would have the credit for her own idea and I wouldn't be revealing it prematurely. Awhaaaa and Spoiled-kitten were sworn to secrecy and the story was not open to anyone, but those three who had befriended me.

'Poisoned Rationality' ended up being very cathartic for me. I was having a bit of a bad time in my work life. The department was closing down and one of the few people left was someone I'd been clashing with for months. Reading my Live Journal entry for July 14th 2008 might illuminate the circumstances in which 'Poisoned Rationality' was being written. The place where I worked was designed to help working-class people receive the same changes as the middle-classes. It was personal too. I had encountered many of the problems that were being addressed. Partners were turning their backs on us, now that we didn't have the funding. It was blinding obvious that this whole network of people were there just for the note on their CVs and the money in their banks. Government was still coming out with all of this rhetoric about how they were committed to providing jobs and opportunities for the working-classes, while removing our funding and with it the lifelines that we were casting out. We were hurtling towards a recession and so the projects forming were consolidating the middle-classes. Forgive me if it sounds like I'm in the midst of a class war here, but it's difficult to ignore the evidence.

Disillusioned and, if I'm honest, feeling a little betrayed, I knew that the project upon which I worked wouldn't survive until the very end if there wasn't a core of us there. The boss called me into the office and told me to get out. I could find another job more easily if I was already in one. She was concerned because she didn't think I was looking. I reassured her that it was all ok. As I was leaving, she called me back and told me that she knew what I was doing. She had tears in her eyes. She thanked me. She then called my colleague in and had the same conversation with her.

On the last day, there were only three of us left. The boss, me and my colleague. The final weeks had been fairly horrendous, but were much better once the nasty colleague had left. Then it was me and S against it all. S is a Saggitarian; I identify with Matt. It doesn't take a genius to work out where some of the emotion was coming from, when I was being so professional and calm at work. The Libertines song, 'Can't Stand Me Now', was the soundtrack of both my life and the early chapters of 'Poisoned Rationality'. That was me in 'fuck 'em' mode.

Underneath though, there was me feeling less heroic and in 'oh crap' mode. That's when I channelled in the darker chapters, Mello got to feel it. There's probably something a psychologist could say about Matt's helplessness and my own as well. 'Ave Maria' by Guilo Caccino and Paul Pritchard can still bring me to tears. To me, it's the soundtrack of Mello's collapse in this story.

I enjoyed writing 'Poisoned Rationality' so much though. It was such a breath of fresh air after the constraints of 'All the Way Here'. There was no question of there not being a sequel. In the same post as I told Awhaaaa and Spoiled-kitten that this was the epilogue, I was telling them about the prologue of 'Watari'. I was writing the latter the same day as I posted the former.

It took three months before 'Poisoned Rationality' made it out into the world. It became obvious that Miyamashi's college commitments meant that she didn't have time to finish 'Twisted Religion'. In the end, I sat and rewrote two chapters of 'Poisoned Rationality', then proofread the whole thing, mostly to make sure that I wasn't revealing any big secrets. Before it was released, I had written a huge chunk of 'Watari' and also written and published 'My Own Way'. People had started to know my name and so there was intense interest in reading the story. Practically every day I'd have a note on DeviantART or a private message on Live Journal asking to see it. It was really quite weird.